Crying is Not an Option

I’ve tried now three times to start this post, but it’s been really difficult. When I finished the book In the Shadow of the Banyan, I wanted to sit down and write a blog to do it justice, but I sat down to find that the words I wanted to use to describe it are nonexistent. They just aren’t there. There is no possible way for me to cover a story that is so monumental in just one blog post.

I’m going to try, but I won’t be surprised if what I produce here doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings when reading this book, or anyone else’s for that matter. If you’ve read it, you know exactly what I’m talking about. The book is possibly the most breathtaking, heartbreaking, tragic, and beautiful thing you will ever read, and it’s all of that at once.

The main character is a seven-year-old polio survivor during the communist revolution in Cambodia. She’s ten or eleven by the end of the book, though it’s hard to keep track, because it was hard for her to keep track. There were so many major events, so much moving, so much loss, and so much hunger and starvation that time almost doesn’t exist in this story. The book reads very much like a child’s journey, and it comes so authentically from someone in the main character’s position, as her aunt puts it, “you’re aware of so much, and yet you understand so little.” It’s also very poetic in a childish way, the way she tries so hard to make sense of her new, terrifying world through abstract stories.

It’s also got a bit of a father/daughter element to it, which anyone who knows me knows I can’t get enough of.

So if you’ve got time to read, you should really be reading this book. It has quickly jumped to my list of top ten favorites among my personal collection, and it’s worth every single tear you will shed.

And believe me, you will shed a LOT.

What Did He Do Right?

We’re hearing an awful lot about how conventions are often dangerous places for women, what with all the harassment and assault going on at these places. There’s a lot of talk about what harassment and rape IS, and what men are doing wrong when expressing their desires. There’s a LOT of talk about what to do about men overextending their desires to women, and the policies that should be in place to prevent women from feeling uncomfortable.

I know a woman who got into a long-term relationship that stemmed from what was supposed to be a one-night-stand. She’s still very happily with this man for three years, and they don’t appear to be getting tired of each other. Not only did they start out this incredibly loving relationship with pure physical attraction, they started it out at a convention, and it’s working out great.

My friend above thinks it would be prudent to also tell men what they’re doing RIGHT so that we can avoid hurting women at conventions and gatherings more. That way, when they know what is correct behavior, they can differentiate. After all, it’s not easy being told what you’re doing wrong until it’s put into context by what you’re doing right… right?

Right.

Here is what her lover did to win her over in only one night, fellas. It’s all the things he did RIGHT.

#1. Engaged her like an equal: It’s not enough to just talk to a woman, guys. After all, she’s not at a convention or gathering to talk to YOU. She has not been waiting for YOU the entire con. She came to the con to talk ABOUT the things all of those at the con have in common. When you’re at a con, you already have an advantage for mutual conversation, so don’t waste it by assuming that she just wants your attention or that she only wants to talk about you (AKA: Fake Geek Girl Assumption). You should be equally sharing information, and equally getting to know each other.

#2. Made his intentions clear: A lot of guys get stuck in what the internet has lovingly dubbed “the friendzone” because he tries to strategize using very VERY false information given to them by our culture. Society has told them that if they push the right buttons and become friends with a woman first, she’ll eventually warm up to him enough to fall in love. Not only does this treat friendship as a meaningless pitstop on the way to sex, but it’s deceptive. Women are not going to think you’re very nice if you try to trick them into liking you, and more than likely, you’ll just be wasting both your time.

What my friend’s current boyfriend did to cut through that fluff is let her know right off the bat that he was attracted to her. No games. No gimmicks. Just pure “hey, I think you’re attractive, do you want to have dinner with me and my friends?” She might have reacted in several ways, including rejection, but it’s a hell of a lot easier this way, and he wasn’t going to lose much if she said no. If she had, he would have just gone to dinner with his friends and been done with it. No harm, no foul.

#3. Did not assume anything: Even when she agreed to eat dinner with him, hang out with him all night, and even share a hotel room with him, not once did he assume that she was going to have sex with him. Obviously, she had made her intentions clear as well, the reason why she had agreed to sleep in his hotel room to begin with, but he didn’t assume he knew what was going on in her head until she expressed enthusiastic consent. What this means is that he recognized that she was another PERSON with her own wants, desires, and agency, and he made absolute sure that they aligned with his. If she had the slightest reservations, he would not have pressed the issue. Why?

“I didn’t want to mess up all the fun we’d had the whole time before we were alone together. Sure, I think she’s beautiful and amazing and I want to have sex with her, but I had a blast with her the whole afternoon before, and I wanted to have more fun with her in the future. If I tried to have sex with her when she didn’t want to, that would have ended our association. But, if I didn’t just try to have sex with her, either way it turned out, I’d have another friend I could still hang out with and have fun with. It seemed like the second option was way better. And it worked out, so…”

This is obviously not a failsafe guide on how to get laid at conventions. This is not a pick-up handbook. The couple above didn’t get together because one of them tricked or manipulated the other into being with them. There is NO strategy any PUA could possibly give you that would get you what those two have.

They are together because they respected boundaries, understood the other person was autonomous, and made no assumptions. Neither one of them used any of these actions as a strategy to get laid either. Their primary objective was just to have fun, and their actions were not predicated on intercourse.

If your expectations don’t revolve around a certain outcome, you’ll be satisfied no matter what happens. And that’s what they did right.

Impulse

I hear a lot of superior-sounding laments about how people make impulsive life decisions so young. I hear it more and more – kids are getting married too young, kids are getting themselves into financial decisions they can’t handle, kids are having kids when they’re not ready… There’s always SOMETHING that SOMEONE is doing too early.

I was definitely one of these people, thinking that others didn’t bother to wait until they knew they were ready. They were too eager to be adults and take on things they weren’t ready for. They didn’t bother to ask themselves if they WERE ready for them.

Increasingly, though, I’m starting to see the other side of this. One of my plans for the future recently fell apart. You know what they say about the best laid plans. Now I have to make a decision, FAST. I’m trying to weigh the pros and cons, get the facts straight in my head, but the more I think about it, the more trouble I’m having.

I’ve realized… I have NO IDEA what is going to happen. From what I see, the options seem almost equally probable. Like the people I used to patronizingly call immature, I can’t tell one way or another if either decision I make is the right one. I can only know what I want to do, and that I want to do it sooner rather than later. Even if I’m not ready for it, at the very least I know I can try while I still know that I want it.

So, I’ve decided to stop being patronizing, stop being haughty, and start being impulsive. If I don’t I might not get to even attempt what I want.

It’s time to do something crazy.