We’re hearing an awful lot about how conventions are often dangerous places for women, what with all the harassment and assault going on at these places. There’s a lot of talk about what harassment and rape IS, and what men are doing wrong when expressing their desires. There’s a LOT of talk about what to do about men overextending their desires to women, and the policies that should be in place to prevent women from feeling uncomfortable.

I know a woman who got into a long-term relationship that stemmed from what was supposed to be a one-night-stand. She’s still very happily with this man for three years, and they don’t appear to be getting tired of each other. Not only did they start out this incredibly loving relationship with pure physical attraction, they started it out at a convention, and it’s working out great.

My friend above thinks it would be prudent to also tell men what they’re doing RIGHT so that we can avoid hurting women at conventions and gatherings more. That way, when they know what is correct behavior, they can differentiate. After all, it’s not easy being told what you’re doing wrong until it’s put into context by what you’re doing right… right?

Right.

Here is what her lover did to win her over in only one night, fellas. It’s all the things he did RIGHT.

#1. Engaged her like an equal: It’s not enough to just talk to a woman, guys. After all, she’s not at a convention or gathering to talk to YOU. She has not been waiting for YOU the entire con. She came to the con to talk ABOUT the things all of those at the con have in common. When you’re at a con, you already have an advantage for mutual conversation, so don’t waste it by assuming that she just wants your attention or that she only wants to talk about you (AKA: Fake Geek Girl Assumption). You should be equally sharing information, and equally getting to know each other.

#2. Made his intentions clear: A lot of guys get stuck in what the internet has lovingly dubbed “the friendzone” because he tries to strategize using very VERY false information given to them by our culture. Society has told them that if they push the right buttons and become friends with a woman first, she’ll eventually warm up to him enough to fall in love. Not only does this treat friendship as a meaningless pitstop on the way to sex, but it’s deceptive. Women are not going to think you’re very nice if you try to trick them into liking you, and more than likely, you’ll just be wasting both your time.

What my friend’s current boyfriend did to cut through that fluff is let her know right off the bat that he was attracted to her. No games. No gimmicks. Just pure “hey, I think you’re attractive, do you want to have dinner with me and my friends?” She might have reacted in several ways, including rejection, but it’s a hell of a lot easier this way, and he wasn’t going to lose much if she said no. If she had, he would have just gone to dinner with his friends and been done with it. No harm, no foul.

#3. Did not assume anything: Even when she agreed to eat dinner with him, hang out with him all night, and even share a hotel room with him, not once did he assume that she was going to have sex with him. Obviously, she had made her intentions clear as well, the reason why she had agreed to sleep in his hotel room to begin with, but he didn’t assume he knew what was going on in her head until she expressed enthusiastic consent. What this means is that he recognized that she was another PERSON with her own wants, desires, and agency, and he made absolute sure that they aligned with his. If she had the slightest reservations, he would not have pressed the issue. Why?

“I didn’t want to mess up all the fun we’d had the whole time before we were alone together. Sure, I think she’s beautiful and amazing and I want to have sex with her, but I had a blast with her the whole afternoon before, and I wanted to have more fun with her in the future. If I tried to have sex with her when she didn’t want to, that would have ended our association. But, if I didn’t just try to have sex with her, either way it turned out, I’d have another friend I could still hang out with and have fun with. It seemed like the second option was way better. And it worked out, so…”

This is obviously not a failsafe guide on how to get laid at conventions. This is not a pick-up handbook. The couple above didn’t get together because one of them tricked or manipulated the other into being with them. There is NO strategy any PUA could possibly give you that would get you what those two have.

They are together because they respected boundaries, understood the other person was autonomous, and made no assumptions. Neither one of them used any of these actions as a strategy to get laid either. Their primary objective was just to have fun, and their actions were not predicated on intercourse.

If your expectations don’t revolve around a certain outcome, you’ll be satisfied no matter what happens. And that’s what they did right.